Bill Burr on New Baby & The Patriots
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Bill Burr on New Baby & The Patriots


IT’S VERY GOOD TO SEE YOU, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BABY. YOU JUST HAD THE BABY?>>FRIDAY MORNING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>I DIDN’T, MY WIFE DID. I DIDN’T. I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. I FELT UNBELIEVABLY USELESS. I WAS IN TOTAL PANIC MODE. WHEN I DROPPED HER OFF AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM SHE GOES, YOU’VE GOT TO PARK THE CAR DOWN IN THE SPOT. AND I SWEAR TO GOD I WAS IN SUCH FIGHT OR FLIGHT, DRIVING DOWN THERE THIS VOICE IN MY HEAD SAID, JUST KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING, JUST DRIVE AWAY. OF COURSE I WOULDN’T. BUT I STARTED LAUGHING. ISN’T THAT LIKE A BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN SONG, GOING OUT TO GET CIGARETTES? SOMETHING HILARIOUS ABOUT PEOPLE ABANDONING THEIR FAMILY. [ LAUGHTER ] I CAN’T IMAGINE LIKE THE HELL THAT YOU WOULD BE IN TO DO THAT MOVE. BUT JUST KNOWING YOU WERE GOING TO DO IT, THE LEVEL OF EXCITEMENT THAT YOU WOULD HAVE BEFORE. LIKE OKAY! I’M GOING TO GO GET SOME CIGARETTES! AND I’M NEVER GOING TO SEE YOU PEOPLE AGAIN! YOUR MOERTHER-IN-LAW. ALL OF THIS STUFF IS OVER.>>Jimmy: I WENT OUT FOR A RIDE AND I NEVER CAME BACK. BUT YOU CAME BACK, YOU PARKED THE CAR. DID YOU HAVE A CAR SEAT IN THE CAR? ARE YOU PREPARED?>>I THINK SO, YEAH. >>Jimmy: YOU THINK SO? WELL — YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN TO THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.>>Jimmy: YES, TO GET IT CHECKED. >>TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU PUT THE THING IN CORRECTLY. I’VE GONE DOWN TO THIS FIREHOUSE TWICE AND THERE’S NOBODY THERE. I KEEP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. THE TV’S ON. THERE’S NO TRUCKS THERE. I’VE BEEN THERE TWICE. I WAS JOKING WITH MY WIFE, EVEN THE GUY WHO MAKES THE CHILI DOESN’T HANG AROUND? THERE’S GOT TO BE SOMEBODY HERE. WHAT IF I WAS OD’ing? I DON’T KNOW, I THINK EVIDENTLY IT’S ALL RIGHT. IT’S KIND OF A SCAM, THE CAR SEAT THING. >>Jimmy: WHY?>>UNTIL YOU’RE 9 YEARS OLD, SOME GIANT KID, PUTTING THEM INTO THE CAR? IT’S ALL WEIRD. YOU’VE GOT TO BUCKLE THAT THING.>>Jimmy: MY PARENTS KEPT MY NIECE AND NEPHEW UNTIL THEY WERE TEENAGERS IN THE CAR SEAT. HILE, CONSIWHEN I WAS A KID, MY HEAD WENT THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD, WE WEREN’T EVEN STRAPPED IN. >>THE SEAT BELT WAS THIS, YOUR MOTHER GRABBED YOU LIKE THAT. >>Jimmy: MY MOTHER’S POWERFUL ARM KEEPING ME BACK, YEAH. >>THAT WAS IT. >>Jimmy: DID YOU CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD SNFRKTS YEAH, I DID DO THAT. IT’S SO FUNNY. GOING INTO THE DELIVERY ROOM. IT’S SO RIDICULOUS. YOU’RE SITTING THERE LIKE, IT’S NOT — I DON’T KNOW WHY I WAS THERE. I FELT LIKE A RADIO CONTEST, THEY WERE LIKE, HEY, WEAR SOME SCRUBS AND WATCH SOME DOCTORS WORK! SORT OF JUST SITTING THERE. IT WAS THE DUMBEST THING. I USED TO WORK IN A DENTAL OFFICE. WE WOULDN’T LET PEOPLE IN THERE, BECAUSE IF THEY SAW BLOOD, SOME PEOPLE FAINT. THEN YOU GO FROM ONE PATIENT TO GO. THEN I’M GOING TO GO IN THERE AND SEE THIS “SAVING PRIVATE RYAN” TYPE OF STUFF. STAY NORTH OF THE SHEET AND ALL OF THAT. I WILL TELL YOU, WHEN I SAW MY KID, I DIDN’T HAVE LIKE — EVERYBODY WAS LIKE, YOU’RE GOING TO BURST DOWN CRYING. I WAS LIKE SCARED OF IT. SITTING THERE LIKE, HEY, THERE, BUDDY. I DIDN’T WANT TO TOUCH IT. THEN LIKE AFTERWARDS THEY GIVE IT TO ME. I’M HANGING WITH HER FOR THE FIRST TIME, FEELING NOTHING. I PUT MY HEAD DOWN IN THE BASSINET, OH MY GOD, I’M A SERIAL KILLER, I DON’T FEEL THINGS. BUT I REALIZED THAT EVERYBODY HAD SO FILLED MY HEAD WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO FEEL AND ALL THIS TYPE OF THING, I WAS LIVING THEIR EXPERIENCE. I HAD TO LET IT GO AND THEN GRADUALLY — >>Jimmy: ARE YOU STARTING TO FEEL ANYTHING?>>NO, NO, NO.>>Jimmy: YOU ARE. >>I’M GERMAN-IRISH, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM UP TO YOU. YOU KNOW?>>Jimmy: MAYBE BY THE 1st BIRTHDAY. >>BY THE NEXT COUPLE OF TIMES THEY SNEEZE, IT’S OVER. OF COURSE IT HAPPENED. BUT YOU KNOW. IT’S A LOT. IT’S A LOT. >>Jimmy: OH, YEAH, IT’S A LOT, SURE IT IS. IT’S DIFFERENT NOW, EVERYTHING’S DIFFERENT. YOU LOOK AT EVERYTHING DIFFERENTLY. THE PATRIOTS GAME, DID YOU WATCH AT HOME?>>NO, I WATCHED IN THE HOSPITAL ON ONE OF THE WORST TVs EVER. THE HOSPITAL THING. IT’S LIKE THEY’RE TRYING TO KILL THE DAD. THEY HAD THIS LA-Z-BOY FROM LAKE 1968. LIKE THE PROTOTYPE. I’M SUPPOSED TO SLEEP ON IT. EVERY TIME I MOVED IT WAS SQUEAKING. I THOUGHT IT WAS MY BABY CRYING. THEY HAD SOME LITTLE TV. GOING INTO A DREAM SEQUENCE KIND OF THING, IT WAS DOING THAT THE WHOLE GAME. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT QUARTER IT WAS. AND I WAS LIKE YELLING AT THE ANNOUNCERS. SAY THE SCORE, SAY THE SCORE! SO I WAS ABLE TO WATCH IT.>>Jimmy: THIS KID IS ALREADY AFFECTING YOUR LIFESTYLE. >>OH, YEAH, SHE LAID ON MY CHEST THE WHOLE TIME. >>Jimmy: YOU LIKE A LOT OF PATRIOTS FANS HAVE A FULL-ON ALMOST SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO TOM BRADY? [ LAUGHTER ] IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY GUY WHO’S A PATRIOTS FAN –>>NO, THAT’S — THAT’S OUTSIDE THE TOM BRADY BUBBLE. ALL YOU GUYS LOOKING IN, WISHING THAT WAS YOUR QUARTERBACK.>>Jimmy: YOU DO HAVE IT? YEAH.>>SEE, HE WON IT. YOU’RE PUTTING WORDS INTO MY MOUTH.

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