Happy Birthday Wishes and a Message to My Neighbor: Stop Stealing My New York Times
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Happy Birthday Wishes and a Message to My Neighbor: Stop Stealing My New York Times


I wanted to take a moment and wish some of our viewers
a happy birthday. These are real birthdays that
were sent to us on Twitter. But — and I´m so sorry
to do this — I also need to use this time
to talk directly to my neighbor, Dennis, and get some stuff
off my chest. [ Laughter ] I was going to do them both
separately, but we are actually running
a little short on time so I´m gonna try
and do them together so just bear with me, please. Happy birthday to Acadia Gaver
of Columbus, Ohio. I hope you have a special day. [ Cheers and applause ] Dennis! Stop stealing
The New York Times from my front door. And, no, it´s not okay if you
return it the next morning with your name
in all the headlines. I don´t believe that yesterday
you flew to Russia to discuss sanctions
with Vladimir Putin. Also, why do you fill in the
crossword puzzle with numbers and the sudoku with letters?
It´s creepy. Order your own paper, Dennis. Happy birthday to Evan Morgan
of Portland, Oregon. May all your birthday wishes
come true, Evan. [ Cheers and applause ] Dennis! I don´t have a problem with you
ordering Chinese food at 2:00 in the morning. That´s fine. But can you stop having
screaming matches with the delivery guy about how he´s
“boning you on the price”? The price is the price, Dennis. Also, we don´t operate on
a barter system. No one is going to ever
agree to trade General Tso´s chicken
for your old REO Speedwagon CDs. Just pay the man
and eat your food, Dennis! Happy birthday
to Brittany Ciavarella of New York, New York. We hope you had a fantastic day
and an even better year. Dennis! I´m going to nip this in the bud
right now. Don´t knock on my door
to trick-or-treat next year. I´m not going to give you candy. You´re a 56-year-old man and I´m
99% sure you have diabetes. [ Laughter ] Also, if you are going to
trick-or-treat, at least dress up as something. Wearing a tank top and saying you´re Bruce Willis
in “Die Hard” is lazy. [ Laughter ] It´s lazy, Dennis! [ Cheers and applause ] Happy birthday to Michelle Romis
of Hawley, Pennsylvania. Shine brightly, Michelle, for you are the brightest star
in our galaxy. [ Cheers and applause ] Dennis! Our building has a doorman
and security cameras. You don´t need to booby-trap
your apartment. And don´t say it´s okay because the kid
from “Home Alone” did it. You´re not stopping burglars. Also, Edna from 12G
almost broke her hip because of the loose marbles
in the hallway. Stop it, Dennis!
[ Laughter and applause ] Happy birthday to Abbey Samet
of New York, New York. May the wind catch your sails and pull you into
the port of happiness. Dennis! I have a message
for your weird cousin, Brett, who is always hanging
around the building. Brett! I´m not going to invest $1,000
in your new app, so stop asking me. You know why? Because I don´t think
there´s a market of people who want to rent fish
from your aquarium. [ Laughter ] Finally, happy birthday, Brett. I had a great weekend with your rainbow fish, Charles,
and your puffer, Nemo. They were great rates
and they´re good fish. And happy birthday, everyone, whether it´s your birthday
or not.

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