How To Give Birth To Yourself
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How To Give Birth To Yourself

– [Brian] I feel like
I’ve died so many times. Growing up, I was sent
to Catholic schools. The kind where they tell you
that masturbation is a sin, and the girls wear short pink skirts. Homosexuality? Forget about it. Gays go to hell and
masculinity was my armor. Everything feels safer
when you check the boxes of what people expect you to be. So I never even admitted to
myself that I liked boys. In high school, I told my
friends that I was straight, and tried to play the part
of the masculine teenager. When I was 18, I gave into my
sexuality for the first time. I fell in love and people found out. The ones who were worth
keeping around were supportive. I was still acceptable to most of them. Because even though I was
gay, I was still a man, and that’s easy to digest. The curtains were pulled back, but I was still running from myself. In my darkest times, I wanted to die. But somewhere along the way, I realized that I didn’t
wanna kill myself. I just wanted to kill the person
I’d been pretending to be. I died by my own hand. And all of the self loathing
died with the old me. Every once in a while, you have to kill who you
were to become who you are. The world is quiet when you wake up. As queer people, we have
to give birth to ourselves, and I’ve had to be my own
mother for a long time. We’re all born once, by our
parents, and then again, when we break down the walls
of who we were supposed to be. When I killed that part
of me that wasn’t real, I rebuilt myself. Stronger. More honest. Feminine. And free. Figuring out which of
your pieces belong to you can be sticky, and my art helped me to
sort through the muck. Sometimes, it can be easier
to speak without words. I tell all of my secrets with colors. And I found myself in my self portraits. I’m a romantic at heart, but the kind that falls
in love with ideas, instead of things. I’m defined by contradictions. And these days, I keep the outlines of myself sketched lightly. Becoming who I am is
loving and accepting myself as I am everyday. Gentle and strong. Masculine and feminine. Quiet and assertive. I’m non-binary in every sense of the word. People tell me I look like
a different person everyday. But I know exactly who I am. Love, to me, comes from within. Like a light, a color, a brilliant shade of whatever you want. Who are you? Who do you wanna be? Find that light that’s already inside you.


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