My Stillbirth Story | Part 2 | The Loss

Hi everybody This is Rachel and welcome back to my channel. Welcome to my channel if you are new This is the second part to my stillbirth story so please if you’re starting with this video go back and watch the first one I won’t link it up in the iCard and Down below in the description. So where I left off with the last part was the getting the pregnancy and getting the diagnosis of our son who had Down syndrome and All the steps that I led up to this in this part is gonna be about the loss It is extremely heavy and still extremely hard to talk about. So we’re gonna fingers crossed. I could not cry you this Okay a week after we did her amniocentesis. It was a Wednesday. I Was 20 weeks on five days pregnant when we did the testing exactly one week later. It was a Wednesday It was February 8th early in that morning I had felt our baby move and The movement was weird, I remember it was about 10:00 a.m. And the way I felt him move was very very weird at almost it almost felt like he really Tensed up real hard and stretched out real hard And then it stopped and he moved around a little bit and that was the last time I ever felt him move I Went about my day. I was at home all day. I wasn’t feeling too great So I was laying around a lot. I’m a rose watching shameless on Netflix pretty much all day and then around Sometime at night. I wanted I want to say it was around like 8 o’clock at night I was watching an episode and I dozed off Just laying in my bed and I Want to say ass up for maybe an hour and I woke up around 9:00 p.m with my heart pounding and this Sinking feeling that something was wrong. I Thought I hadn’t felt him move At that point in almost 12 hours, and that was abnormal. He was very active. I Started to get really worried and I had an at-home Doppler And I pulled it out and I thought I didn’t feel a move, but I will hear his heartbeat So I put the one on my stomach and I was listening for a heartbeat and this time I’m alone in my room and I’m moving around and I’m listening and I hear faint little things and I’m like, oh my gosh was that it and it wasn’t I? Kept looking and looking and looking I spent about 20 minutes with this Doppler. Oh my stomach listening for his heartbeat. So I Picked up the phone and I called my boyfriend and I said you need to come over here because I can’t hear his heartbeat I can’t find it. He hasn’t moved and You’d you to come to me And help me find it. Maybe you can help maybe you can find it. I said to him and he Came over about five minutes later. He only lived around the corner and He came in and he held it on my stomach he said we’re gonna find it we’re gonna find it we’re gonna find his heartbeat We will find it and we’re sitting there and we’re moving the Doppler and nothing other than the Sounds that you other sounds you hear It was silent At that point I had said that I think that we should maybe go up to the hospital and Then I pushed it aside. I said no and I don’t I think that we’re gonna be okay maybe maybe he’s just in a weird position and I thought let’s give it some time and my boyfriend turned to me and said I Think we should go. I think that the doctor that I need better luck finding it and it’s better safe than sorry. So I said, okay our hospital is about ten minutes away and it was The most of hit drive I’ve ever had Every turn every movement. I feel it. I just I remember on our way up there knowing Something was wrong. I felt it in my heart and my gut and my soul something was wrong So we got to the hospital We go into the emergency rooms at this point. It’s I Want to say around? 10:30, maybe 11 o’clock and they medicine to Maternity and we go into this little room And they let us down on a bed Under lay me down on the bed Bobby my boyfriend was in the chair next to me The nurse said all right, we’re gonna get our Doppler out and we’re gonna look we’re gonna find it And she stopped there for about 10 minutes and couldn’t find it. She said alright We’re gonna get the doctor in here. We’re gonna get him what the doctor won’t call it. He’s gonna come in And he’s gonna look So the doctor came in he did the same thing with the Doppler looking and looking and he said alright we’re gonna pull out the ultrasound machine and we are going to Just take a look and see so he’s in the room with us and he plugs in the ultrasound machine and it’s Just taking a while to start up. So he says alright, I’m gonna get the Doppler. He’s gonna start looking again And he wouldn’t move and he would stop he would move it. He would stop it and nothing Silence he gets the ultrasound machine puts that jelly on my stomach and puts The ultrasound receiver thing on my belly and there’s our baby Just laying in there And he goes over to the heart, I’m sorry. Oh my god, and there’s nothing You see the little sac you see his little heart and what you usually see on ultrasound if you’ve ever had when you you see that beat I was still But I already knew it was going to be When I woke up in a panic like that. I knew I just felt that I knew it. I knew that he was gone After the ultrasound he Said that he was gonna admit me and that we are gonna have to go forward with delivery and He was gonna give us a minute alone so Bobby and I sat in the room and we we cried and Screamed and just prayed that it wasn’t true and that We just we wanted to go back we wanted him to actually be there So the doctor came back in and he moved us to another room they hooked me up to an IV and they started the process of delivery They used these little pill things that they inserted up by my cervix to help me dilate and they put me on fluids I was allowed to have pain meds if I needed them He said it would take quite some time and I was going to be there for quite a while At that point I had called my dad and my mom to come up and they both did and they were there for about an hour while we sat there and then the doctor came and he said that They could stay if they wanted to but if they wanted to go home, it would be a while It would be a while until I delivered which it was So I’m gonna say about an hour in which is probably around like 1:00 in the morning I started having mild contractions that Kicked up pretty quick. I was in quite a bit of pain. I took I did get the pain medication It’s a little fuzzy here it has been a while. I mean it’s been almost Two years. It’s been almost three years now. So we got through the night Contractions got harder. I was dilating. The process was going how it was supposed to Figure out the next day. It got really intense that I was still in a lot of pain medication I want to say around three o’clock. It got really bad. I got another dose of pain medication my grandmother showed up to visit me and I had called my mom to come because I said it’s work. I think we’re getting pretty close So the doctor comes in and checks me at that point and I’m I want to say I 3 o’clock was about a sick son of yours dilated Around 3:30. He came back and I was Nine centimeters dilated this one this period went really really really quick. So my grandmother was there my mom showed up I was in a lot of pain and I felt the urge to push the doctor comes in He breaks my water and this is around 350 I Feel the need to push but the doctors not there at this point. The only one who’s there is the nurse and she Says I’m her there’s a lot of bleeding. I said that I Couldn’t do it. I said that I was in too much pain. There’s no way I can do this. Where’s the doctor? I was going on and on and on about that and The doctor came in and he said all right push I pushed twice and he was out and Our son Mason David was born at 4:04 p.m. On February 9th 2017 he was 1 pound exactly. He was 10 inches long And he was perfect in every way and Though I have a lot of pictures I don’t think I’m gonna share them because they’re very Personal and very sad to look at I still to this day of a hard time looking at them After that I didn’t have any tearing or anything We he cleaned it with the doctors and nurses the doctor and nurse cleaned everything up and cleaned me up We held him. We took all these pictures we my other had a lot of family come they all said got their goodbyes to him and It was just me and Bobby after they left and we had we got all the time we needed with him and we had him in a little bed next to us as hospital baby bassinet and We both it was at this point It’s getting a little probably around like six o’clock and we decided that we were gonna take a nap and lay down So I fell asleep at this point. I’m still pretty drugged up. I’m a little out of it and we I Woke up. I don’t remember the time. It was late and members dark out. I Looked over at Mason in the bed in a little crib. I looked at Bobby asleep I looked at my reflection in the mirror or in the window And I lost it It hit me all at once what had happened. It hit me that he was no longer in me and that Was the worst feeling is that I was looking at him and he wasn’t alive and I could just he wasn’t there I look down at my belly. He wasn’t there and that is one anything and it all came flooding out and I cried for hours and I Talked to Bobby how awful it was he was all upset. We were all upset just a mess and About an hour later, we held him And we decided that it was time to let him go because at that point he was really cold And I didn’t want my last memory to be To that extent I was content with where we were I was content with that last moment and we kissed him and We put him in the bassinet. We called the doctor nurses in and they came and they took him I Went home from the hospital the next day and I’m gonna cut this video here and I’m gonna do another part of just the week after and How I coped and how we we pushed through this just for the week after I mean, it’s still something that we struggle with to this day and We always will I will always struggle with us, but next part will be well how the steps we made and what we did after

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