The Worst Parts Of Pregnancy • Wine Mom
Articles,  Blog

The Worst Parts Of Pregnancy • Wine Mom

(upbeat music) – Hi, I’m Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom and if you’re anything like me you believe that a glass
of wine at eight P.M. makes you a better mom. The best part is you don’t even have to have kids to be a wine mom. This evening, I’m bringing out something very, very special. This was a gift from my mom, who is also a wine mom. Her mom was also a wine mom. So I come from a long legacy of wine moms and this is almost like passing the torch. And it says, “Finally, a wine glass “that meets my needs.” So technically, it’s one glass. (clinking of glass and wine pouring) Here’s why I’m drinking tonight. I desperately want a third child, but I really don’t want to be pregnant. If I didn’t have to be pregnant, I would have, like, five more kids. I already have two boys, so, like, if the third was another boy I feel like I’d just kind of drown in the testosterone. It’s not the right time. It’s not happening for us right now. So let’s drink. So that brings us to tonight’s topic, The Best and Werts, werts. The Best and Worst Parts About Being Pregnant So buckle up your seatbelts because we’re going to
go on a wild fucking ride and if you’re a wuss, get the fuck out. Including you, Kevin. – [Kevin] What? – If you’re a wuss. We’ll start on a positive note. No. We’ll start on a negative note. First, the pregnancy glow is a lie. I don’t know what kind of women have this, like, amazing, beautiful experience. Oh my God, I’m so in tune with my body. I feel like a goddess. Nothing was beautiful
about my pregnancies. I felt like roadkill
the first three months. A bloated corpse the second three months and a beached whale
the third three months. No glow. But if you have a wonderful pregnancy, I’m very happy for you, but I kind of fucking hate you. Enjoy your glow you big bitch. Next, the. Next, weird, ass cravings. So there’s some pretty weird cravings. Like, I know some people crave, like, laundry detergent and they want to eat it. – [Kevin] Is that really a thing? – Yeah, women crave weird shit when they’re pregnant. I liked the dryer sheets. Like the ones that smell like clean linen. I, just like, wanted to lick them. It was just, like, oh my God, get this inside of me, I need it. I might have licked the dryer
sheet a couple of times, both pregnancies. It’s like, it feels like one glass of wine. Next, free boob job. Pregnancy is basically, like, one giant free boob job. I was a B before I got pregnant and then I was a double D before I gave birth. My husband was not unhappy about this. Whoo, momma’s got D’s. And as a flat chested girl, that’s like the only time that I’ve had big boobs. There was like, wait, now I know how the other half lives. I want to go back in time and do a slow, Bay Watch run in my double D’s on the beach. Like, just savor that moment forever. Next, unwarranted touching. When you have that, like, cute baby belly towards the end of your pregnancy, everybody thinks that
suddenly they can touch you. So I could not go to the Post Office without some weird man, like, coming up and rubbing my belly. And it’s always this prolonged touch with, like, weird noises like (moaning) And I’m standing there, like, are you done? Can I go? (moaning) I feel like it’s slowing
me down a little bit. Next, weird dreams. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or the fact that there’s, like, another brain inside of you, but you have the most vivid dreams during pregnancy and that can be either good or bad. I had one dream that my
husband was cheating on me and it was so vivid and real that I woke up very angry the next morning and I couldn’t get over it for, like, a week. Even though he didn’t actually do it and he would be like, “I didn’t cheat on you. Why are you mad?” And I’d be like, you better make this up to me. Sometimes the dreams are really graphic, vivid, awful, scary dreams. But then other mornings I’d wake up having had a sex dream about Judge Judy and it’s kind of weird. – [Kevin] What was it like being with Judge Judy? – Judge Judy’s very generous in bed, just in case you’re wondering. If you’re watching this, Judge Judy, call me. Next, pregnancy sex. I think this is different for everyone, but for the first two
trimesters were great. It was awesome. I was just like, more more more more more. My husband was the
happiest guy on the planet, but then the third trimester, I just want you, to like, with your partner, try having sex with a
watermelon between you. Like, duct tape it to your stomach and see how it goes because that’s the third trimester. And get creative and you do a lot of side action, like laying on the side. I couldn’t even deal with, like, being on my hands and knees because it was just, like, this weight pulling you down. It’s like having a dumbbell hanging from your stomach. Like, you don’t want to get on your hands and knees like that. It’s not pretty. It’s not comfortable. It’s not good. So there’s a lot of side work. This is getting gross, okay. I feel like it aerates it. I don’t know aerating does, but I’ve heard it’s good. So last. Oh, you know what I forgot? I forgot to say shopping
for little clothes. But in the end, the best and worst part (giggling) the best and worst part is that you’re not going
to remember any of it. I don’t remember shit from my pregnancies. The only reason I’m telling
you these things today is because I wrote them down in a diary. Your body biologically makes you forget and then you’re going to want to do it all over again. So, drink up before you do. So that’s all I got for today. If you watched this all they way through, call your mom. Send her a text. Tell her you appreciate her because it sucks being pregnant and having babies. She birthed you, you ungrateful piece of shit. No, I shouldn’t say that. (laughing) Better yet, write her a card because we love that shit. Until next time, I’m Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom. I’m going to put some
plastic wrap on this. Probably going to refrigerate it and go to bed and dream of Judge Judy. (upbeat music) (burping) (laughing) – [Kevin] Nice. That was a good one. (burp) – Oh, they come in twos. Always. (upbeat music)


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *